Tuesday, September 22, 2009

House-Groom-to-Be

There is one major aspect of my relationship with Katelyn that is a concern to me as things are right now, and that is the fact that I do not make anywhere near as much money as Katelyn does through my work.  As a person who went through high school and college always working and always having enough money to take care of things, this is a new position for me to be in, and it is a somewhat embarrassing position to be in as Katelyn's fiancé and supposed provider.  I wonder how people feel when they look at this relationship from the outside, because from a traditional standpoint (and a gender-biased standpoint), the man is supposed to be the main provider for his family.  I know that Katelyn's family loves and accepts me, but I still fear sometimes that an outsider might view my current relationship with Katelyn as parasitic because while I contribute love and happiness, I am unable to contribute financially.

This is what it means to be a House-Groom-to-Be.


Katelyn's field, architecture, allowed her to command a very appreciable yearly salary, even from a very small architectural firm in a very small vacation town in coastal Maine.  By comparison, even though I also have a Master's degree from a graduate school, work in my field as a college adjunct instructor pays almost as poorly as minimum wage.  In this uncertain economic state, however, merely having a teaching job at the college level at my age is a blessing and a rarity; I am the youngest instructor in my department by a solid five or six years.

I am teaching two classes this semester (September-December), and I will end up making just under $4,500 total.  Unfortunately, the pay period for an adjunct instructor is different than most pay periods, and that means that I will earn half of my salary on the last Friday of October (mid-term) and the other half in mid-December when I've submitted my final grades.

Clearly, this leads to complications.  I still have credit card bills, student loan payments, and everyday costs to take care of.  Unfortunately, the last paycheck I received was from my former job at the beginning of August.

This makes me financially dependent on Katelyn.  In order to offset the deficiency of my contribution where that is concerned, I have endeavored to contribute through other means.

When I was growing up, I led a very pampered life.  My grandparents on my mother's side were very old school Franco-American, which essentially means that they would come over every day while my parents were at work and do things around the house like laundry and cooking.  I had never done a load of laundry until I arrived at the University of Maine as a freshman in the fall of 2002 (I was 18 years old at that time).  I did some limited cooking in my "living sklls" class at Lewiston Middle School in 7th and 8th grade, but I never actually sought out a recipe to make food on my own until last fall (2008) when I moved into off-campus housing for the first time in my adult life.

I suppose, for some people, starting off life in this manner would make them become lazy for the rest of their days.  For me, it was frustrating that my grandparents were so intrusive in some of these actions, and now that I am in a stable living situation I find myself taking pleasure in contributing through chores around the household.

Katelyn works Monday-Friday, 8:30AM until the work for the day is done, which sometimes means 5:30PM but can also mean as late as 10PM.  By contrast, with my commuting schedule I only travel to Bangor on Tuesdays and Thursdays to teach from 2PM until 4:45PM.  This leaves me ample time to be a male "housewife"; to do the things that Katelyn doesn't need to worry about doing because she's out of the apartment all the time earning money for us at this stage of the relationship.

This means doing the laundry without being asked and having everything dried, folded, and put away so that Katelyn never has to notice that we're running low on clean clothes.  And, thinking ahead to getting in shape for the wedding, challenging myself to run up and down the five flights of stairs between the apartment and the laundry room in the basement while carrying everything and dropping nothing.

This means adding new recipes to my repertoire, such as learning how to cook tortellinis (fun fact: I never boiled a pot of water until last fall), experimenting with Cheez-It-crusted chicken breasts, and sharing my family's culinary history with crèpes made from the family instructions.

This means doing the dishes whenever the dirty plates and bowls and glasses start piling up, though this task has become infinitely easier ever since Katelyn got a counter-top dishwasher for her birthday back on August 15th.  Sometimes I'll even wash the dishes by hand just so I can feel a closer connection to the task I'm doing instead of just stacking plates and letting the dishwasher run.

This means deciding on a whim that the counter-tops and stove-top need to be cleaned because Katelyn hasn't had time to do them herself thanks to her schedule, and taking some amount of pride in the work when she notices and loves me for it.

This means bringing mail to the post office and picking up the mail from our box so that any important mail is on the counter to be dealt with in a timely manner instead of days or weeks after they need to be addressed.

This means taking care of the cats, Teagan and Gabe, whether they're managing to go to the bathroom outside of the litter box or throwing up on the carpet or just in need of personal attention from their owners every now and again.  And it means loving both of those cats despite the fact that my family has only ever had dogs since everyone else is horribly allergic to cats.

This means taking care of my own job's requirements, such as planning class activities or commenting on student papers, before Katelyn gets home so that I can be attentive instead of having to slave away at my desk while she watches TV after a long day at work, needing someone to talk to about being stressed and having only my back to address.

This means throwing myself at writing, for this blog, for my NFL win-picking blog, for my as-yet-unannounced-but-hopefully-coming-soon blog.  It means doing whatever I can to keep my writing skills sharp so that I have published work alongside my teaching résumé when it comes time for us to consider living places other than Blue Hill, Maine.

This means taking the lead on calling venues and vendors and whoever else we will need to contact in order to plan the wedding we want to have, since my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are free and I have the better availability when people need to contact us.

This means pushing myself to be as marketable as I can be so that someday, hopefully not too far into the future, I can take on a job that will allow Katelyn to have more leisure time while I work to provide for us.

Compared to what Katelyn does in her work on a daily basis, none of these tasks measure up.  I suppose that my solace comes from knowing that she doesn't really have to worry about any of these things when her workday is through.

Four famous boys from England once spoke about not caring much for money, because money can't buy you love.  While my pockets my be light, my heart has plenty of love to give to Katelyn.  For the time being, I need to trust her when she tells me that's all she wants from me, and I need to keep giving all I can to her.

4 comments:

  1. Why did you delete my comment asking if you clean the bathroom? Because she will make you clean the bathroom if she read it? I'm just curious!

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  2. Wow, you have just summed up the feelings that many women face about their contribution to domestic life. Our society tends to judge only the financial contributions that are made as having value, so for much of our lives we do not look at all the other things as worthwhile. Hence the "women's work" and "breadwinner" stereotypes continue! I say hurrah for you and Katelyn. Hopefully your roles will compliment each other throughout your life together, and you can share both the financial responsibilities and the domestic ones without feeling burdened or taken advantage of. As long as your "work" (household or for cash) is appreciated and acknowledged by your partner, you will be happy.

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  3. marton of honor extrodinaireSeptember 26, 2009 at 8:30 AM

    brian my dear I wish my house-groom-to-be shared your same drive. Dan and I have shared the same situation since he moved in. I am extremely tankful for any of hte work he does around the house, simply because it means I don't have to find the time ot do it. I'm proud of you for having the motivation to be a house-groom-to-be and be so active in the wedding planning process. :) Good job sir.

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  4. @Anonymous:

    I actually didn't see a comment about cleaning the bathroom; Blogger has been a little weird about notifying me when comments show up, so it might have gotten lost in that mix.

    As for the bathroom cleaning, we've really only had to clean it once since I've moved in, and Katelyn was very gung-ho about doing that herself. Next time up, it'll be my turn.

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